If you asked me even a few months ago to discuss the times I’ve failed at something, I would probably struggle to respond. I spent so many years of my life fixating on ways that I could be better. What could I do to better excel in school? What could I do to make my resumé look more favorable? What could I do to make myself stand out in a crowd?
On the outside, I seemed like I had a lot of my life together. I appeared to be just like any other college student who was trying to balance school, work, extra-cirriculars, and a social life. I even created this blog, convincing myself that it would be an outlet for my self-expression, but I was actually lying to myself through my teeth, as I found I was doing in every other aspect of my life.
I thought that if I kept adding things to my plate, at least one of them was bound to make me happy. I saw happiness as an end destination that wasn’t easily attainable. I became obsessed with successful people and their stories, because I hoped that all of my current suffering would be worth it when I finally “made it” in the world. It was a self-destructive mindset that led me to make some irrational decisions.
In my first post on this blog, I wrote about taking a leap of faith into the unknown. I stressed that being in an unfulfilling environment is much worse than seeing what else is out there, because it could potentially be better than your current reality. To this day, I stand by that fact. I don’t regret making the decisions that have lead me to the place that I’m in right now. But as I read that first post, I can’t help but feel somewhat uneasy.
What if I told you that I took that leap of faith, but it didn’t work out the way I had hoped it would? Instead of transferring to a new college and finding the happiness I so desired, I sunk further into a depression to the point where I decided to leave that school after a month, and take the rest of the semester off.
That, by definition, is what’s known as failure. It’s a word that I would’ve never let slip out of my mouth, for fear of being judged. For fear of destroying the perfect illusion that had become my life. The truth is that I was experiencing failure long before I left my new college and returned home. That’s just the first time that I chose to accept it.
Once I let go of what who, what, and where I should be and started accepting my current reality, I began to see my authentic self shine through.
For years, I’ve felt like my authentic self had been buried deep inside of me, and only glimmers of it would pop out every now and again. I’ve always valued authenticity in people, which is why I was inspired to create this blog. But overshadowing my true self was a gigantic pile of negativity. I was depressed, self-doubtful, unconfident, and completely consumed in what other people wanted from me. I never thought that anything I did was good enough, because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I knew that I had so much potential, but I wouldn’t get the help that I needed in order to achieve that, because I didn’t think I was worthy of it.
Since I’ve taken time off of school and began to work on my own mental health, I’ve started to look at my life in a different way. I was always looking for happiness externally, but I failed to realize that I had to better myself first before I would start to enjoy anything else in my life. The biggest revelation for me now is knowing that I can wake up every day and experience genuine happiness, even without all of the external sources that I thought I needed to achieve that state of mind. I enter conversations with my family and friends with a newfound curiosity, as if I’m seeing my life in high definition for the first time. I feel more confident, and because I’ve started to accept myself, I can be a better friend, sibling, daughter, and person in general, which is all I could have ever dreamed of.
I never would have guessed that failure, the thing that I was most afraid of, would be the same thing that finally allowed me to find myself.
From here on out, I go forward with a sense of conviction and purpose. I aim to talk candidly about what I’ve gone through because I know that I’m not the only one who has been in my position before. I know exactly how it feels to be so lost that it’s hard to imagine ever reconnecting with the person you’ve always been. It’s a hopeless feeling that nobody should ever have to experience. If you’re in that position right now, just know that you deserve to rekindle with your authentic self, and you don’t have to do it alone. Once I began to talk to my family and friends about the position that I was in, I began to realize that I’m not the first person to go through something like this. Not only is it cathartic to be honest, but it can also lead to developing a more genuine relationship with someone you thought you already knew completely.
It’s ok to be lost and not know what the next step is. When you fail, it may seem like the world is collapsing around you. We’ve been conditioned to believe that failure is associated with weakness, and that we should avoid it at all costs. But I stand here today knowing that my biggest failure has lead me back to myself for the first time in years. I think failure should be redefined as a period of time where we can drop all of our preconceived expectations and explore what truly makes us feel alive. We can then go forward and truly mean what we say, love what we do, and find the beauty in even the smallest of things. Because that is truly what life is all about, and once we find that light within ourselves, we can more easily spread it to those around us.
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